This would be a good place to set up camp

So, when you are gaming, and you have been defeated by your enemy, you respawn, right - depending on how evil the game, either you are dropped back in right before you started that battle, or somewhere like a million miles/save spots ago.

This is not a respawn. I haven't been defeated. I was just ganged up on by a hella lotta bears in the Hinterlands or something. Survived to tell about it, but definitely need to get some rest. 

So this is my setting up camp.

Perhaps it was too ambitious to try and start this blog at the very beginning of my Quest. I mean, I have a hard enough time focusing on one battle at a time as is, so why did I add more to my plate? Call it newbie enthusiasm that quickly waned. 

So the past umpteen weeks that I haven't been writing, I *have* been fighting, and as much as the enthusiasm on the blog front waned, the motives behind it did not. 

Those motives were, first and foremost, simply that as a writer, I like to hear myself  "talk". Secondly, not that I expect readers in legion, but if I learned one thing from my previous run Irish Dance blog (which too, in zombie fashion, make an over-two-three out of the grave) is that I find endless fulfillment and squeeish happiness if even one person reads this and is encouraged or enlightened by something I have to say. Also, I use it as a benchmark for myself. A place to get my ever tumultuous thoughts, feelings and opinions out, without having to bore everyone around me all the time. 

Basically, I am still that nerdy, emotionally stunted 14 year old with a Xanga, whining about the boy she has a crush on. 

But I digress . . .

Now that I am a little more established in my regular routines, have a few four-week challenges under my belt, I think I can eek out some time to actually update this place, and make it a bit more substantive then "this is what I ate" - not saying I won't regale you with my culinary genius occasionally too, but I am not a hipster with an instagram account, and am under no delusions anyone actually wants to see ever morsel of food I shove in my cake-hole. 

So, who am I? I'm Meara. Or Myrna. Or M. Or Panda. Heck, I am now even starting to answer to Cassandra or Cass on some forums, though that is someone I more aspire to be rather then a persona I adopted. (Very Blackwall/Thom Rainer of me, eh?). And I was 190 pounds when I started all this. (vanity severely challenged in actually putting that number out there!)

I was always a bookish, not terribly athletic child. Conveniently, I had been born with a heart condition, so exercise, and even overly strenuous playing was never really allowed, which was kind of ok by me. 

I did like having back yard adventures - my swing set was alternatively a time machine, pirate ship, the millennium Falcon, and Zorro's hide-out, all of which I mentally occupied as a cool, smart, strong character. (Can you tell I always wanted to be a writer?) Still, despite all this "adventure" there was not a lot of running/jumping/climbing, more sitting around  on my swing, thinking up stories. 

Fast forward to end of high-school, I am the token slightly chubby & super cynical kid in the back of the class, who writes fanfic rather then homework assignments, and knits in the back row of class to ignore the useless teacher.  Graduation was quickly followed by open heart surgery, and blicky-blam, EASIEST TEN POUND WEIGHTLOSS IN A WEEK (TM) - just required having your chest cracked open like a walnut, and a week in the hospital refusing to eat the awful food. 

Suddenly I was actually kind of fit! In my BMI range and a pants size smaller. After recovery, joined the workforce in a fairly active profession, also worked at the Renaissance faire on weekends, took up dance classes, and stayed this gloriously svelte weight for about 6 years (abject poverty of the 20-something lifestyle helped too! lol)

Press "A" a few times to skip some cut-scene dialogue about marriage, growing addiction to the Xbox,  job changed to completely sedentary office type, etc, etc,  and here we are - just turned 30, and those ten pounds brought back 40 of their closest friends, but forgot to bring any motivation to lose them. I had a few false starts. Just general "ick, I don't fit into yet another up-size of jeans again", or "since when do I have a double-chin in photos?" moments, that triggered about three days (ok, two days) (maybe a day and half) of hyper focusing on super restricting my calories, which eventually (almost instaneously) lead me to rage quit because it was such a pain in the ass to find food in whatever app. My inspiration, my motive, was never big enough. I basically phoned in those attempts, just like I phoned in high school, and just about everything else that I knew I should do but didn't really want to. But then, I realized it . . .

So, I've always loved great adventure stories, right? To watch, to read, to write, to play. The tough warrior girl who took no crap from anyone, got results and kicked ass, always was my favorite. I always wanted to be her, but never actually thought I could be. And then I started playing Dragon Age Inquisition and decided I wanted to be Cassandra Pentaghast when I grow up. Except - I already was grown up! 

Then, what started off as a joke, me telling my one friend who is the spitting image of Lelianna that we should go to a con and Cosplay as the Right and Left hand of the Divine, spurred on a realization: If I want to don the Seeker's armor, maybe I should be more like her - physically and mentally.  She is the type that when she sees something that needs to be done, she just does it. No excuses, no bullshit, no short cuts. 

I googled "warrior workout" and eventually stumbled across Nerd Fitness, and the rest, as they say, is history.

And so my quest began. 

Since signing up, I have been through three 4-week challenges. I have gone from wanting to punch my phone out of frustration and eating a box of cookies to spite the app telling me I have gone over my calories even though I have only eaten like an apple and a bag of broccoli, to actually understanding how BMR and net calories work (still, don't ask me to do the math myself). I have gotten past the mentality that if I "cheat" or "fail" and eat something I shouldn't or eat to much, I might as well go whole hog and just eat whatever the hell I want. I am learning how that proper nutrition does not mean deprivation, nor does it mean you can never have treats. I have discovered that you CAN lose weight without having to step toe inside of a revolting gym (thank GOD!). I have learned alot about myself; my determination, my shortcomings, my upper body strength (or lack of!).

I have also, so far, managed to lose 20 pounds. 

But I have also learned that the scale lies. Still though . . .proof that somehow, despite thirty years of laziness, and love for baked goods and craft bear, and religious avoidance of anything athletic that also wasn't generously peppered with arts and culture, I might *actually* be able to succeed at this. 

So . . . that's me. That's why I am here. That's what I've done. 

I don't have a set schedule in mind for this blog. I think my (failed) attempts to use it as an accountability blog proved that if I try to commit to doing it daily or weekly, I just stubbornly won't. So, it will be an "as the spirit leads" sort of situation. Victories, failures, product recommendations, loot scores, delicious comestibles, whatever else strikes my fancy. 

Closing Review:

Current work out strength: my abs hate me for it, but I am getting pretty good at the "six-inch lift" style exercises. Though, not when the trainer at boxing makes us put a medicine ball on our legs, that's just torture and should be forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
Current work out weakness: While my upper body in general has made some good progress, push ups continue to be my arch-rival. My "girlie" knee push ups are getting much better, but still stuggling for the full on version. Can't get all the way down. Can plank like a boss, but the down motion . . . hubs recently recommended I move my hands out to widen my base. It's helped a bit, but now I feel like my elbows are going cockeyed. 

Nutrition win: Discovery that I *actually* like sweet potatos and vegetable sushi

Nutrition lose: I still love sprinkled donuts with a passion that puts Romeo and Juliet to shame. That will never change. But as long as I keep myself at current rate of consumption (1 in the past 3 months or so?), I think it will be ok. . . 

Current favorite inventory item:  I am in a love/hate relationship with my Fitbit. I picked it up used, and it has been amazing at helping me track calories, steps, logging, etc, but the fact that it is not the HR model is driving mental! It seriously logged my 1 hour boxing class as only 30 minutes of walking, my dance class as 1 hour of walking, and a 40 minute walk I did as "sport". So, an upgrade may be needed eventually.
Current Favorite "Fight" song: Live Like A Warrior by Matisyahu. The words are hitting me in a spot right now. Check it out

Currently playing: No lie, am half way through a replay on Orgins, 2, AND Inquistion

Smutty Literature recommendation: (Because even though Cassandra P. can slice training dummies without breaking a sweat and punch bears for fun, she is still a bookworm at heart): I am on about my millionth reread of a book called Nikolai by Roxie Rivera. It's part of a series (all of which are pretty good but go ahead and just skip to this one first cause it's the best), but this one . . . this one has stuck with me. Russian mob boss with a hidden heart of gold, pretty waitress (who also is a little bit of a tough girl, not physically but with moxie for miles), sweeping, epic and sometime just a touch bleak, adventure. Book can be found on Amazon (for kindle, or actual hard copy), Barnes & Noble, or iBooks. (Smutty level: 7 out of 10 Varrics)