We must be vigilant, but we must also be compassionate

So, another four week challenge down, gearing up for one. The BIG one, the one that will cover Thanksgiving leftovers, Saint Nicholas day potlucks, and pre-Christmas cookies.

Y'know, have lost count on exactly what challenge number this is. I mean, I could math it out, but a0 math is hard and b) I don't really care - how strange is that. Challenges like this have stopped being tasks to cross off, a tally or to-do list of miserable things I have to get through just to hit my goal. I basically realize that this is life now.

I mean, that was kind of always the point. I, from the very beginning have been fairly slow and gentle with the changes I am making. This was always meant to be a permenant change, not a "live off nothing but liquids for 6 weeks" thing. I mean, no lie, I am looking forward to when I hit the stage where I can do maintenance calories instead of deficit. . . . I was about to say that I don't think I could go back to the way I was eating before, but that is not true. I could 100%, totally easily, without trying, go back to the dance of gluttony and feasting that I lived by.

Here is the real victory - I don't WANT to any more. I mean, would I like to go eat a whole box of cookies? Sure. But I don't WANT to. It's not worth it. I won't have any cookies for tomorrow. I will feel terrible. Makes me value the cookies less. I will instead have a reasonable portion of cookies when and if I haven't had any other treats that day.

Deprivation, quitting cold turkey, would never work for me. I will never be full paleo. I will never be a health food nut. Cookies will always be my soul mate. But it's about healthy balance (and I don't mean a cookie in each hand)

So, other then existential realizations that I feel that I am actually invested into lifestyle change and not just a diet (5.5 months later) what else has been going on?

Well, here is a list of my weird, small victories, as I have noted them over the last few weeks"

• I no longer buy 4 kinds of bread on my weekly shopping trip. 
• Not only do I fit in jeans (skinny jeans no less) a size and a half down from where i started, I can once again fit standard size bathtowels around me again. Also, my rings are too loose. Apparently even my fingers were fatter
• I have discovered i love sweet potatos. And I can be ok with mushrooms, as long as they are in things. And polenta! Where has polenta been my whole life?
• I have managed to keep my 1 pound loss a week momentum going. I still swing back and forth from day to day, but cumulative . . . I am still down
• I am actually kind of good at the whole food prepping thing and am actually enjoying it
• I am starting to ACTUALLY look like the person I see in the mirror  ..  

Let me explain that last one. Lots of people, when getting started, talk about wanting to like what they see in the mirror. I was kind of the exact opposite. I would look in the mirror, and still see how I looked long ago at my healthiest weight. But then, I would look down and see my spare tire belly, I would cringe at my double chin in photos, clothes no longer looked good on me. What I saw in the mirror, just wasn't there any more, and I needed to get to the place where I stopped lying to myself an pretending that she was. Like I said in my "big why" - I want to be the truest, most geniune version of myself, and that involved the reality check, that enough was enough, and I didn't look how I wanted to look. 

At any rate, the holidays are here, and I am looking forward to them. A little indulgence makes the hard work before and after so much more worth it. I am going to be vigilant, but kind to myself. And in addition to another four weeks of attacking it with gusto, trying to become a healthier, better habit building person, I also am hoping to work on being a kinder, better person too.

I guess that is it for now, but as is tradition, the list!!

Current work out strength: push ups are slowly but surely getting better, but still need work. Honestly, my cardio is what has really been a noticeable uptick. I can run in place, jumping jack and dance part way longer then I could before

Current work out weakness: . Honestly tho - I have been avoiding planks the last few work outs. I hate them. They make me sad. Need to do better at that

Nutrition win: aforementioned sharp curbing of massive bread intake. I miss how close I was with bread, but the empty calories are just not worth it, and then the distance makes our occasional reunion so much better

Nutrition fail: I am ok at portion control, but my measurment skills are lacking. And yes, I know, I should get a food scale. I am not there yet. Getting there, but not there yet. I still think if I had to weigh every single thing that went into my mouth I would probably use that scale as batting practice - and I don't even play baseball. But I am getting there. Imprecise measurements are driving me crazy.

Current favorite inventory item: Booband. Expect a full review at some point.

Current favorite "fight" song: Anything Bhangra

Smutty literature recommendation: This one is not smutty at all actually, it's an old, kind of YA (from before YA was really a genre) Christian fiction book called "The Silver Sword" by Angela Elwell Hunt. It is historical romance, though not deeply detailed, and moderately accurate (for those of that to which that matters). It is also absurdly fluffy and full of all the romance-y tropes without the smuttyness. It is actually decently written despite the tooth-achingly sweetness and super pro-protestant reformation subliminal messaging. But I **looooooved** this book and it's subsequent sequels as a teen - Bad ass girl, orphaned and in danger, dresses as a boy to become a squire and eventually in 13th century Bohemia to defend her self and defeat the bad guys, and **spoiler** bags herself the Lord of the Estate by the end of it. Like I said - tropes abound, but the main character, Anika,  had something to her. I loved her. I loved her so much, I might name a kid after her someday.

I can cook . . . yes

Well, another meal prep for the upcoming week has come and passed.

Previously I have been on point with getting my lunches prepped, cooking and freezing batches on Sunday, occasionally supplimenting with dinner left overs.

This week I decided to try my hand at prepping some dinners for the week. This was inspired by 2 different things. First, I had some misses on my meal plan, when I just came home and could not face prepping then cooking everything. Secondly, the Nativity Fast is starting on Wednesday. I am going to make it part of my next 4 week challenge to have 0 days of breaking the fast (Thanksgiving excluded, obvi), so, with the struggles I faced with meal plans, and with how labor intensive some vegan recipies can be, I decided to set myself up for success.

So, left to right in the photo:

The 2 small containers are lunches for Monday and Tuesday. Those are my last non-fasting days, so I whipped up a batch of Ground Turkey Sweet Potato Skillet. Last time I modified and added zuchini. This time, yellow squash. Portioned out the 2 servings for lunches, and then the husband and I had the remaining 2 portions for dinner tonight. Rather, I had it for dinner and he had it as a snack to hold him over until the frozen pizza was cooked. He would have had to eat the whole skillet to feel full. Damn him and his super over-active metabolism and/or tapeworm! I take heart that he liked it so much so though. He has heretofore stated that he doesn't like sweet potato but was basically licking the plate clean on this one.

The glass tray on the right is some pre-cooked ratatouille. I have never cooked it before, but I have been wanting to. This particular recipe is from my copy of "From the Monastery Kitchen" which is cookbook put out by the Orthodox Monastery of the Transfiguration, and is to be served with lightly pan-fried polenta (which, I likewise have never made but have been wanting to try). So, since none of the ingredients in the ratatouille itself seem like they would be any worse for the wear by pre-cooking and freezing, I whipped it up pretty quickly and will just have to fry up the polenta day of. Easy peasy. And hopefully yummy . . .

The tall plastic container is nothing pre-cooked, but at least pre-diced veg, for a Teriyaki Stir Fry. Got this recipe from The Make Ahead Vegan Cookbook. I highly recommend this cook book - I mean, there are only a few recipes in it that I actually want to try, but the first chapter is actually dedicated to explaning what can be frozen, for how long, what kind of container is best, best heating methods, etc, etc. Added bonus is each recipe tells you when in the cooking process to freeze and how long it can be in the fridge or freezer. So for this meal, the teriyaki sauce wouldn't freeze well, so it just has you dice up all the fresh veg you are going to use and freeze them, thaw them day of and cook quickly with the sauce and serve over rice. So not as quick as fully cooking and just nuking the day of, but not having to spend time chopping before I can even begin cooking still will make my Stir-Friday less of a time commitment.

Ziploc baggies in the back are left over zuch/squash and left over eggplant, diced and ready to grab out at a whim next time I need some. 

So, that is my meal prep for the week. Part of my goal in keeping all the fast days is to try a new recipe every day. But I know myself, and the laziness might take over on nights after particularly stressful days at the office. So I also have a head of lettuce at the ready to whip up haluski, and some perogi's in the freezer, so that I can sub in something that is still ok, and that I can cook in my sleep. So YAH for being prepared and knowing my own short comings.

And now . . . just to clean up the kitchen . ..

And once that is done - I am going to stop being an adult, play some video games, watch some tv, and maybe have a cup of tea and a small treat of cookies. Mmmm, cookies.  . .

Report for you, ser

Reporting in -

It is the start of week three of this round of four week challenges. Week one was super strong. Zero misses. Last week ..  . . ehhhhhh.

Cassandra would be shamefaced.

My calorie intake has been on point. There has not been a single day - except for a planed day of indulgence, celebrating 3 years of being married, that I haven't been at or under my target intake, netting an average daily deficit of approx 500 calories.

Sticking to my meal planning on the other hand . . .that's where it starts to crumble. Work has, as usual, been in awful-overdrive. Busy season + mangers quitting + viruses in the system = cranky. Getting home late, I just don't have the will to argue with my husband when he says, "I don't want you to have to cook. Let me get you take out." I can't blame him - he will literally do whatever I want to do. But what I wanted to do in that moment was to not have to cook. Luckily, despite deviating from plan, I did manage to make healthy choices when it came to what I was eating, despite the take-away-ish nature.

There was no class option for me this last week, only because was on my own all week, with Husband out of town, so had to actually come home after work to let the dog out and spend some time with her. She doesn't really have separation anxiety, but I would like to keep it that way, and being alone for nine hours during the day was already stressing the poor pooch out enough.  So, no class was a gimme - didn't skip it, conscientiously did not schedule. Hit all my work outs but one this weekend.  Basically, my entire weekend's schedule got shot to hell due to unexpected events and terrible weather, so . . .  not an excuse, just a little self-realization. I apparently need to work on my ability to adjust based on changes in plan. Also, if I am being honest, the work outs I did do this last week I kind of phoned in. I usually work out upstairs in the bedroom, it's out of the way, I can play my awful work out music, I won't trip over the dog, etc, etc. But then, I feel terrible cause I am spending a precious hour of our time together clear on the other side of the house from the husband. Of course, the night I was like "hey, I will work out downstairs - I don't care if HE sees me all sweaty and ridiculous" I ended up feeling awkward AF and frustrated, because right as I was ending my first set, the Roommate decided to surface from the basement, get the dog all wound up so that she kept tripping me and getting in the way (when previously she was sacked out on the couch next to the husband) and then plopped down on the couch chilling in the living room for no particular reason. There was nothing good on TV, she was just playing on her phone. I didn't want to be a dick and ask her to bugger off, but while I am confident enough at this point to work out in front of the man I love, working out infront of the roommate is a completely different story.  . . . it was just so damned awkward and weird, and honestly, it might make me a terrible person, but I can't wait until we don't have a roommate any more.

Weeknight bedtime routine - once again, solid followed by some fail. I finally downloaded the Dragon Age 2 DLC. Defeating Corypheus was more important then sleep. And then last night was just back to my "i don't want to go to work, so if I don't go to sleep, tomorrow will never come, right" ill-logic.

So, now that I know where my weaknesses are, I can make a plan to sure up the defenses.

Going forward for my remaining 2 weeks, in addition to my meal plan, I want to create a "back up" plan, for nights that I am just too tired and miserable. Not sure what this will entail, but maybe have a stock of healthy canned soups or something microwaveable - not ideal cause hello high sodium and super processed-yness. But it's a safety net between 100% success and splatting on the ground in failure. I might also stretch my meal-prep skilllz, which have kept me winning the lunchtime game for weeks now, and try to stock my freezer with crock pot dump meals. Or, at very least, pre-prep my ingredients for what needs to be cooked. Cause, the main reason I decided to eat out on Friday was that while I was super excited to try the NF Rice and Bean recipe, the idea of spending forever cutting veggies made me want to flip over a table and burn all the cook books. Which would be bad. So, if I can keep little frozen baggies of pre-cut onions and peppers and stuff, cooking in the evenings won't seem such a chore.

I am not sure what my game plan is to get my workouts back on track. I have considered trying a different time rather then evenings, but that is a no-go. Mornings are the worst possible time for me and after a few attempts earlier in my NF journey to create the habit of waking up early, I realized that was just setting myself up for failure. Likewise, my lunch hours are already triple booked - that's the time I am SUPPOSED to be working on my writing, or working overtime to try and keep up with work and get some extra $$, or y'know actually eating. So lunchtime work outs are not on. I think I am going to start with adding some more fun music to my work out playlist. I am also finding the BWWs a wee bit frustrating. Push ups continue to defeat me, whereas everything else is getting boring. I don't want to deviate from the course, but I have got to think of something to make it both more challenging and yet less frustrating from lack of progress.  Maybe finally break down and buy the pull up bar so I can stop altering some of the exercises all of the time. Might also have to rearrange some of my loot - if I want to beat the challenge, I might need a new sports bra sooner rather then later. Until then, I just have to bully my way through, I think.

As for bedtime - I think I need to be more conscientious of scheduling down time. Actually put it in my plan "take some time to play a bit" or "sit and read". I acknowledge that work is super stressful right now. I acknowledge that sometimes I just need to unwind, and not feel like I have to be "responsible adult" every single second.



So, now for the recap:

Current work out Strength: My push ups have improved (slightly) since last time. Still not great, but moving my hands back to shoulder width has actually helped. I feel less wobbly and can get a bit closer to the ground. Also I am back to being able to do my warm up with out getting winded after the first two exercises, and have actually added time to the running in place and jumping jacks.

Current work out weakness: I don't have a pull up bar so basically any chin-up, pull-up or hanging drill is basically off the list of things i can do and I want to fix that.

Nutrition win: I am getting waaaay better at portion control and learning how to tell my stomach no when it is being a demanding bitch

Nutrition lose: I have somehow fallen off the water wagon. I was doing pretty well, at least on weekdays getting most if not all of my water goal. It was part of my walking at work schedule. Now I neither walk nor drink water.

Current favorite inventory item: My "quest log". It is a graph paper journal from Redbubble that has "Disgusted Noise" on the cover. It makes me smile every time I see it, and helps me keep a visual tab on my challenge progress, and keeps my work out notes, and big why, and warm up/work out series all in one place.

Current favorite "Fight" song: "Take 'Em Down" by Dropkick Murphy. It is perfect for my one dance drill, or just fast aerobic running/jumping, and also speaks to my current hatred of managers. Yah for getting work induced agressions out!

Current nerd activity: Aforementioned killing of Corypheus, and also bashing out three new chapters in my Harry Potter FanFiction.

Smutty literature recommendation: Recently did a re-read on "How to Ravish A Rake" by Vicky Drieling. Yah for Regency romance combing my history-nerdism with my illicit love of crappy literature. Some of the more winning characteristics are the fact that the cover art actually looks like the characters are described in the book, including outfit they are wearing - added bonus, the dress she is wearing on the cover is actually period-correct for the regency. Yes, my standards for judging romance novels are strange, and not particularly high.